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Handicapping Stephen Colbert vs. Richard Branson

11 May

Richard Branson, adventurer and billionaire British business mogul, recently stepped out and challeneged the esteemed Stephen Colbert to a fist-fight during a recent interview with Arianna Huffington. When asked by her which historical figure he’d fist-fight, Branson at first picked Marc Antony, but then changed his tune:

“We [Virgin America] named a plane after him, and now he already wants a spaceship named after him. He’s getting far too big for his boots. We’ll fist-fight the next time I see him.”

Perhaps Branson is the one getting too big for his britches.  He does have Virgin Galactic, where he could’ve offered Colbert to rename his spaceship from SpaceShipTwo (inventive!) to something like, I don’t know, Colbert In Space.

Colbert then suggested his idea for a duel.  Fight with nude models on their backs!

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Who would win this match between two titans?  Branson, a business tycoon and amateur thrill-seeker, or Colbert, the toughest interview in the biz? Let’s break it down with their strengths and weaknesses. First, Branson. The Brit started with just Virgin Records and has since started 350 companies.  He’s done this by aggressively expanding and has used his charming but cunning personality and business acumen to do it.  He’s also tried and succeeded at many world records, shoring up his adventurer status. Branson’s guile, willingness to do anything to win (sometimes finding himself in the middle of controversies), and physical prowess are definitely advantages he holds over Stephen.  However, Branson age (57) may play a factor in the fight should it go beyond 10 minutes.  Carrying a model, no matter how skinny and coked-up, on your back while swinging wild rights and lefts wears you down.  His legs are bound to start shaking.

This is where Stephen comes in.  His wit is off the charts. He hosts a popular hard-hitting news program. However, neither of those will affect the outcome.  What will is Stephen’s ability to defend, mainly through his hair.  That’s a freakin’ natural helmet on his dome, kept in place by a pound of product.  He’ll be able to withstand many a blow, and that will allow him to get close to Branson for some body shots on those 57-year old hips.

I think the difference will ultimately be Stephen’s attitude.  If he imagines his opponent as a bear, he’ll be set.  Colbert will take down this fight in 12 minutes becase he’ll be able to get revenge on all bears nationwide.  It should be a worthy pay-per-view experience when it happens.  And it will happen.

Stephen Colbert Snubbed By NASA, Democracy Fails

16 Apr

Our main man Stephen Colbert recently won an online poll to name NASA’s newest part of the International Space Station, winning out over several other ridiclous and stupid names. However, NASA decided it was too good for Mr. Colbert:

Appearing on Comedy Central‘s “The Colbert Report“, the late night satirical news show hosted by Colbert, astronaut Sunita “Suni” Williams broke the news that the space agency would not be naming the new Node 3 module after the comedian. Instead, the space agency gave him the consolatory honor as the namesake for the International Space Station‘s (ISS) upgraded treadmill.

“We’ve decided that the Node 3 will be called ‘Tranquility,’” Williams told a shocked-looking Colbert as the audience booed in protest.

“Wait a second!” Colbert exclaimed. “I was assured that my name would be in space. Are you saying that NASA’s going back on that?”

Williams assured Colbert his name would fly in space attached to the Tranquility node’s new treadmill, the Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill, or COLBERT

You bastards!  Though this will likely be the greatest treadmill ever made, he won the online poll fair and square.   He, like the other names of Serenity, Legacy, Earthrise, and Venture, pimped it out on a nightly basis on a cable television program.  They should respect that.

In any event, they’re naming it Tranquility. Apparently it’s some kind of dumbass nod to some pointless history about the stupid moon landing 40 years ago.  Screw that jazz, we’re living in the NOW, baby.

Stephen Colbert Has Not Twittered, He’s Twatted

20 Mar

My god, this was gold:

Meredith Viera, who knew you had it in you?!

Stephen Colbert Is Going Abroad

19 Mar

Mr. Colbert let it be known that he’s bringing The Colbert Report to the Persian Gulf. He’s going to tape a week’s worth of shows as part of a USO tour.  We all know WHERE he’s going, we just all can’t say where he’s going.  Prepare yourselves troops, you’re in for some humor.

Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart Being Funny

22 Sep

PRUNES ARE TASTY AND DELICIOUS

This dried up old prune has the experience we need.

Stephen Colbert And The Colbert Report Are Going Home With Emmys

21 Sep

Our favorite television star Stephen Colbert (and his writers) won the Emmy for Outstanding Writing for a Variety, Music or Comedy series! For one night Hollywood felt the wrath of a truth-teller. It crumbled under the mighty baritone voice of Stephen Colbert. With America’s son now recognized, Hollywood can go back to the meaningless tripe spewed out from their studio lots on a daily basis. Colbert will go back to New York City a king.  He made Los Angeles bow down to his greatness, and we are all better for it.  Behold the glory that is Colbert.

Oh, and some other people won some other awards. Good for them.

Stephen Colbert Is Being Profiled

10 Jun

The Associated Press recently profiled Stephen Colbert, and it was grand. Weaving the history of Stephen Colbert the man with Stephen Colbert the character, the piece focused on his amazing ability to host a half-hour nightly comedy show for 2.5 years and still find the funny.   He and his show have given the popular culture with truthiness (how dare spell check state it’s not a word!), humor and a little good (most noticeably the proceeds from the WristStrong bracelets going to injured servicemen and women).

I’ve certainly enjoyed the whole show.  From satirizing Bill O’Reilly to taking on the gravitas of Stone Phillips, Colbert’s range is terrific.  Silly bits spliced with terrific guest ‘gets’ like Mike Huckabee make the show eventful every single night.  I would hope that everyone out there has seen the program, along with Stephen’s other terrific work.  If you haven’t, you must hate America. I am America and so can you!

Stephen Colbert Controls The Internet

12 May

He’s getting a Webby Award for his special achievement!!!  Check it out:

Stephen Colbert will be honored for the innovative way he has used the Internet to interact with fans of The Colbert Report – from Google bombing to make him the top search result for “greatest living American” to challenging the “truthiness” of Wikipedia. In his presidential campaign, the “One Million Strong for Stephen T. Colbert” Facebook group attracted more than 78 members per minute in its first week, while his supporters have raised more than $250,000 for the education charity DonorsChoose.org.

Stephen Colbert has finally been recognized by the most impressive awards show that deals with the internet. Colbert has changed the way his fans interact with his television program.  He deserves kudos for that. Other media outlets seem to ignore the way that Colbert rules, and even attempt to mock him:

Despite aggressive campaigning on Larry King Live, Today and his own show, the voters have spoken — and the winner is not Stephen Colbert. The falsely outraged host will reportedly address this slight on his eponymous pretend cable news program later this evening.

Dicks. Colbert is your god.

Colbert Report In Philadelphia: Day 1

14 Apr

TONIGHT: Chris Mathews, John Legend and Mayor Michael Nutter

OH BOY FOLKS! Here we go! Montco man Chris Matthews, terrific performer John Legend, and our main man, the man with the plan, the man with the funny name and even funnier nose, mayor of Philadelphia Michael Nutter are all going to be going toe-to-toe with one Stephen Colbert.

Tomorrow? America-hating limousine liberal elitist Michell Obama! From the OFFICIAL Indecision 2008 blog:

After you’re done writing off your last pointed tip bolo knife purchase (whoever said being a Laotian hitman would come back to bite you at tax time?) be sure to catch Michelle Obama’s tax night (April 15) appearance on The Colbert Report — part of “The Colbert Report: Doritos Spicy Sweet Pennsylvania Primary Coverage From Chili-Delphia – The City of Brotherly Crunch!”

Will the Colbert bump affect Barack Obama’s candidacy? It certainly helped Mike Huckabee! He’s well on his way to being the vice presidential candidate of the Republicans. The man went from an unknown Southern governor afterthought to #2 in the Republican race. Not bad, and all thanks to the magic that is The Colbert Report.

Tune in 11:30 PM eastern time to Comedy Central for all the truthiness you can handle!

Colbert Report In Philadelphia On Monday!

11 Apr

Singin’ in Korean!

Stephen Colbert Wants You To Donate Money To PA Teachers

20 Mar

Our main man Stephen Colbert recently challenged his viewers to donate money on behalf of their favorite Democratic candidate (Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton) which would then go to buy supplies and such for Pennsylvania teachers.  GO DO IT, IF YOU’VE GOT THE BALLS:

Colbert Report In Philadelphia Already Sold Out!

18 Mar

It was just announced yesterday and yet it’s already freakin’ sold out! April 14th to 17th is gonna be freakin’ sweet.

The South Carolina Democrats Hate Freedom

1 Nov

Stephen Colbert’s valiant run for the presidency has already been halted on the Democratic side, as the South Carolina Democrats’ executive council decided 13-3 that he will be not be included on the primary ballot:

“The general sense of the council was that he wasn’t a serious candidate and that was why he wasn’t selected to be on the ballot,” said Joe Werner, the party’s director. “There was discussion — I wouldn’t call it a heated debate — but there was discussion about it.”

There is no appeal process, Werner said, adding that the party will certify its ballot as final later Thursday with the South Carolina State Election Commission.

The Democrats had to decide whether they considered Colbert to be a bona fide Democrat who is nationally viable and has spent time campaigning in the state.

I don’t know, would a rally of a thousand enthused backers and a nightly television program with at least 5 minutes devoted to the Doritos campaign count as enough campaigning?  Would a dude who has more outreach to the American public than most of the other candidates count as nationally viable?  He’s definitely more viable than Mike Gravel or Chris Dodd.

So what about the Republican ticket then?

On his show last month, Colbert announced he would run on both the Democratic and Republican primary ballots in his native state of South Carolina.

But the fee to apply to get on the Republican ballot was $35,000, while Democrats asked for only a $2,500 fee or the signatures of 3,000 registered South Carolina voters on a petition.

Damn, 35K?  Colbert should run as an independent.  Voters for Colbert unite! We will not tolerate shutting Stephen out of the presidency!

Stephen Colbert Begins His Campaign In South Carolina

30 Oct

Mr. Colbert’s wild ride towards the presidency (with governance only over the state of South Carolina) took a fanciful turn when he actually started campaigning recently. He dove right into the issues in his first stump speech, going after what is vital and important and what tugs at the heartstrings of all South Carolinians:

“I promise, if elected, I will crush the state of Georgia,” the 43-year-old actor-comedian said to the cheering crowd.

Columbia Mayor Bob Coble presented Colbert with a key to the city, declaring him South Carolina’s “favorite son.” He said the day was to be known as “Stephen Colbert” day.

All hail President Colbert.

Colbert, who is from South Carolina, said the state’s children should dress up like him for the day. The Comedy Central talk-show host — who made “truthiness” a commonly heard word — also proclaimed the dominance of South Carolina’s produce.

“Our peaches are more numerous than Georgia’s,” he said. “They are more juiciful.”

God damn right. Juiciful peaches are for Colbert. You should be too.

BREAKING NEWS: Stephen Colbert To Run For President!

17 Oct

He’s going to run in South Carolina as a favorite son!

He is from South Carolina.  He is for South Carolina.

This changes everything folks!  Get your Colbert gear and start hitting that pavement for our boy!

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