Stephen Colbert Begins His Campaign In South Carolina

30 Oct

Mr. Colbert’s wild ride towards the presidency (with governance only over the state of South Carolina) took a fanciful turn when he actually started campaigning recently. He dove right into the issues in his first stump speech, going after what is vital and important and what tugs at the heartstrings of all South Carolinians:

“I promise, if elected, I will crush the state of Georgia,” the 43-year-old actor-comedian said to the cheering crowd.

Columbia Mayor Bob Coble presented Colbert with a key to the city, declaring him South Carolina’s “favorite son.” He said the day was to be known as “Stephen Colbert” day.

All hail President Colbert.

Colbert, who is from South Carolina, said the state’s children should dress up like him for the day. The Comedy Central talk-show host — who made “truthiness” a commonly heard word — also proclaimed the dominance of South Carolina’s produce.

“Our peaches are more numerous than Georgia’s,” he said. “They are more juiciful.”

God damn right. Juiciful peaches are for Colbert. You should be too.


One Response to “Stephen Colbert Begins His Campaign In South Carolina”

  1. hotoffthepress October 31, 2007 at 9:21 am #

    But have you heard this news:

    Only days after announcing his intention to run for president of the United States, Stephen Colbert seems to be in hot water. According to staffers working inside the fledgling campaign who spoke with Bob McCarty Writes™ on condition of anonymity, the host of Comedy Central’s The Colbert Report is being investigated by Immigration and Customs Enforcement.

    Colbert is alleged to have secretly hired hundreds of illegal immigrants from Mexico to make so-called “get out the vote” phone calls to likely voters in South Carolina — the only state where he plans to campaign as both a Democrat and Republican candidate. In exchange for working up to 20 hours a day in the sweatshop-like conditions of a suburban Charleston call center, sources said the White House wannabe is paying his “south of the border” staffers with bags of Doritos® Brand Tortilla Chips, the corporate sponsor of his presidential campaign effort.

    Attempts to reach Colbert or a representative of his campaign through a post on his web site’s message board have, to this point, been unsuccessful.

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