Handicapping Stephen Colbert vs. Richard Branson

11 May

Richard Branson, adventurer and billionaire British business mogul, recently stepped out and challeneged the esteemed Stephen Colbert to a fist-fight during a recent interview with Arianna Huffington. When asked by her which historical figure he’d fist-fight, Branson at first picked Marc Antony, but then changed his tune:

“We [Virgin America] named a plane after him, and now he already wants a spaceship named after him. He’s getting far too big for his boots. We’ll fist-fight the next time I see him.”

Perhaps Branson is the one getting too big for his britches.  He does have Virgin Galactic, where he could’ve offered Colbert to rename his spaceship from SpaceShipTwo (inventive!) to something like, I don’t know, Colbert In Space.

Colbert then suggested his idea for a duel.  Fight with nude models on their backs!

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Colbert-Branson Duel
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Who would win this match between two titans?  Branson, a business tycoon and amateur thrill-seeker, or Colbert, the toughest interview in the biz? Let’s break it down with their strengths and weaknesses. First, Branson. The Brit started with just Virgin Records and has since started 350 companies.  He’s done this by aggressively expanding and has used his charming but cunning personality and business acumen to do it.  He’s also tried and succeeded at many world records, shoring up his adventurer status. Branson’s guile, willingness to do anything to win (sometimes finding himself in the middle of controversies), and physical prowess are definitely advantages he holds over Stephen.  However, Branson age (57) may play a factor in the fight should it go beyond 10 minutes.  Carrying a model, no matter how skinny and coked-up, on your back while swinging wild rights and lefts wears you down.  His legs are bound to start shaking.

This is where Stephen comes in.  His wit is off the charts. He hosts a popular hard-hitting news program. However, neither of those will affect the outcome.  What will is Stephen’s ability to defend, mainly through his hair.  That’s a freakin’ natural helmet on his dome, kept in place by a pound of product.  He’ll be able to withstand many a blow, and that will allow him to get close to Branson for some body shots on those 57-year old hips.

I think the difference will ultimately be Stephen’s attitude.  If he imagines his opponent as a bear, he’ll be set.  Colbert will take down this fight in 12 minutes becase he’ll be able to get revenge on all bears nationwide.  It should be a worthy pay-per-view experience when it happens.  And it will happen.


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