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Handicapping Stephen Colbert vs. Richard Branson

11 May

Richard Branson, adventurer and billionaire British business mogul, recently stepped out and challeneged the esteemed Stephen Colbert to a fist-fight during a recent interview with Arianna Huffington. When asked by her which historical figure he’d fist-fight, Branson at first picked Marc Antony, but then changed his tune:

“We [Virgin America] named a plane after him, and now he already wants a spaceship named after him. He’s getting far too big for his boots. We’ll fist-fight the next time I see him.”

Perhaps Branson is the one getting too big for his britches.  He does have Virgin Galactic, where he could’ve offered Colbert to rename his spaceship from SpaceShipTwo (inventive!) to something like, I don’t know, Colbert In Space.

Colbert then suggested his idea for a duel.  Fight with nude models on their backs!

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Who would win this match between two titans?  Branson, a business tycoon and amateur thrill-seeker, or Colbert, the toughest interview in the biz? Let’s break it down with their strengths and weaknesses. First, Branson. The Brit started with just Virgin Records and has since started 350 companies.  He’s done this by aggressively expanding and has used his charming but cunning personality and business acumen to do it.  He’s also tried and succeeded at many world records, shoring up his adventurer status. Branson’s guile, willingness to do anything to win (sometimes finding himself in the middle of controversies), and physical prowess are definitely advantages he holds over Stephen.  However, Branson age (57) may play a factor in the fight should it go beyond 10 minutes.  Carrying a model, no matter how skinny and coked-up, on your back while swinging wild rights and lefts wears you down.  His legs are bound to start shaking.

This is where Stephen comes in.  His wit is off the charts. He hosts a popular hard-hitting news program. However, neither of those will affect the outcome.  What will is Stephen’s ability to defend, mainly through his hair.  That’s a freakin’ natural helmet on his dome, kept in place by a pound of product.  He’ll be able to withstand many a blow, and that will allow him to get close to Branson for some body shots on those 57-year old hips.

I think the difference will ultimately be Stephen’s attitude.  If he imagines his opponent as a bear, he’ll be set.  Colbert will take down this fight in 12 minutes becase he’ll be able to get revenge on all bears nationwide.  It should be a worthy pay-per-view experience when it happens.  And it will happen.


Stephen Colbert Snubbed By NASA, Democracy Fails

16 Apr

Our main man Stephen Colbert recently won an online poll to name NASA’s newest part of the International Space Station, winning out over several other ridiclous and stupid names. However, NASA decided it was too good for Mr. Colbert:

Appearing on Comedy Central‘s “The Colbert Report“, the late night satirical news show hosted by Colbert, astronaut Sunita “Suni” Williams broke the news that the space agency would not be naming the new Node 3 module after the comedian. Instead, the space agency gave him the consolatory honor as the namesake for the International Space Station‘s (ISS) upgraded treadmill.

“We’ve decided that the Node 3 will be called ‘Tranquility,'” Williams told a shocked-looking Colbert as the audience booed in protest.

“Wait a second!” Colbert exclaimed. “I was assured that my name would be in space. Are you saying that NASA’s going back on that?”

Williams assured Colbert his name would fly in space attached to the Tranquility node’s new treadmill, the Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill, or COLBERT

You bastards!  Though this will likely be the greatest treadmill ever made, he won the online poll fair and square.   He, like the other names of Serenity, Legacy, Earthrise, and Venture, pimped it out on a nightly basis on a cable television program.  They should respect that.

In any event, they’re naming it Tranquility. Apparently it’s some kind of dumbass nod to some pointless history about the stupid moon landing 40 years ago.  Screw that jazz, we’re living in the NOW, baby.

Stephen Colbert Has Not Twittered, He’s Twatted

20 Mar

My god, this was gold:

Meredith Viera, who knew you had it in you?!

Stephen Colbert Is Going Abroad

19 Mar

Mr. Colbert let it be known that he’s bringing The Colbert Report to the Persian Gulf. He’s going to tape a week’s worth of shows as part of a USO tour.  We all know WHERE he’s going, we just all can’t say where he’s going.  Prepare yourselves troops, you’re in for some humor.

Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart Being Funny

22 Sep


This dried up old prune has the experience we need.

Stephen Colbert And The Colbert Report Are Going Home With Emmys

21 Sep

Our favorite television star Stephen Colbert (and his writers) won the Emmy for Outstanding Writing for a Variety, Music or Comedy series! For one night Hollywood felt the wrath of a truth-teller. It crumbled under the mighty baritone voice of Stephen Colbert. With America’s son now recognized, Hollywood can go back to the meaningless tripe spewed out from their studio lots on a daily basis. Colbert will go back to New York City a king.  He made Los Angeles bow down to his greatness, and we are all better for it.  Behold the glory that is Colbert.

Oh, and some other people won some other awards. Good for them.

Stephen Colbert Is Being Profiled

10 Jun

The Associated Press recently profiled Stephen Colbert, and it was grand. Weaving the history of Stephen Colbert the man with Stephen Colbert the character, the piece focused on his amazing ability to host a half-hour nightly comedy show for 2.5 years and still find the funny.   He and his show have given the popular culture with truthiness (how dare spell check state it’s not a word!), humor and a little good (most noticeably the proceeds from the WristStrong bracelets going to injured servicemen and women).

I’ve certainly enjoyed the whole show.  From satirizing Bill O’Reilly to taking on the gravitas of Stone Phillips, Colbert’s range is terrific.  Silly bits spliced with terrific guest ‘gets’ like Mike Huckabee make the show eventful every single night.  I would hope that everyone out there has seen the program, along with Stephen’s other terrific work.  If you haven’t, you must hate America. I am America and so can you!